My new life in Christ only started a year ago. I had plenty of time to taste what this world has to offer and I must say until 12 months ago it was exactly what I was looking for. In my younger years I grew up in a “Christian” home. Church every Sunday, bible study every weekday. Church was just another place for my parents to be parents and me to be a kid. My father used to go door to door preaching the urgency of salvation to those he felt Christ was leading him to, and my mother was right there with him sharing the Lords work. My parents were very Godly people.
When I was a teenager my father became very “ill”. He injured his back severely and was heavily medicated for years. These medications were not your typical medications. He was given oxycotin, methadone, and every other pain medication. When you get on these types of medications there are very serious side effects. My father began to psychoanalyze everything he came in contact with. He was in and out of hospitals all the time. He began to question his faith and the existence of God himself.
My entire teenage years I was obligated to explore what life really had to offer. I did as I pleased. Because of my father’s illness God was certainly not an option. I was angry that He let one of his servants suffer.
I chose a path of release. Drugs.
Drugs.
Just the word makes my back tighten up and a shivers down my spine. Drugs were my sweet escape. I started to smoke pot when I was about 15 until I got out of high school. I drank from time to time but Mary Jane was all I needed. I went off to college at the university of Ohio State Mansfield after high school with one thing on my mind….freedom.
And it was then I discovered alcohol. Weed just wasn’t cutting it anymore, and alcohol was cheaper and I found I had what I thought was a gift at the time of “chugging” or slamming beer. Later I find out it wasn’t much of a talent at all more or less a prerequisite to vomiting. After one year in college I flunked out to due to not attending classes or tests.
I worked at a pizza place for a bit just to make some cash for my booze and pot. I then enrolled at a community college in Toledo and moved in with 3 of my stoner buddies right on Toledo’s campus. I was on cloud 9.
It was in Toledo that I learned of my true love.
Cocaine.
My life was now in surrender to it. At first it was one line or two a week just for fun. I was a social snorter I guess you could call it. But with cocaine it doesn’t stop there, because when you run out you must find more. It’s your oxygen; it’s the air you breathe. And once you get on cocaine there is no turning back. Next it was vicodins methadone, oxys, percocets, flexerils, darvecets… anything I could get my hands on that could send that rush to my brain.
My body and mind stop taking such a likeness to what I was doing to myself. My fixes turned into hallucinations, my drags turned into anxiety attacks, and my breaths turned into gasps for life. I then had realized I was now under total control of the product I built my life around. I would lie in bed for hours wondering how I was breathing, why was I here what was life. I began to analyze things like my father did and the shear thought of death made me puke. Where was I going what could I do? I then decided to quit cold turkey. When they tell you it takes 3 days, they lied.
For 6 months straight I suffered from manic depression and suicidal thoughts….a few failed attempts made me realize I wasn’t even worth trying to kill myself because the simple thought of “what’s next” scared me more than the thought of a gun to my head. I was in my own personal hell. I couldn’t talk, sleep, or eat. I weighed 200lbs at the beginning of that year and by this time I weighed merely 150. And of course the so called friends I had with me didn’t seem to notice, the only thing they saw was “hey less people to share with”.
I was ready to die.
I have a brother, his name is Ben and he went through a few similar things but he got “saved” by God. At this time that was just kind of funny to me. Saved? From what his sins? Good luck with that. But through everything Ben went through he was always smiling always so content and that really made me mad. Here I was suffering and he was totally fine because some invisible son of God saved his soul.
Ben always used to tell me about Christ and the things he did. He ensured me that if I came to church and just listened it wouldn’t hurt, it may even save my life. So I did.
I went to church with him and his wife Emily, and while I was there I felt free again, the restrictions were off and I could breathe. I could look up into the sky and think I’m ok. That’s all I wanted, I didn’t want to be scared anymore, and I wanted my life of fear and anxiety gone.
My only problem was that I wondered, “Where is the proof?”
I continued to go to church; I quit everything I was doing. No more sex, drugs, beer, and even cigarettes. I went every Sunday twice and Wednesday night… Every service they had to offer. And I even prayed a few times for God to heal me. But nothing…….I wasn’t being healed.
About 3 month into going to church one night we had a camp fire at the pastor’s house and we were sitting around the fire singing and having a good time when I saw my brother Ben venting about work. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I need a cigarette”.
Ben was a smoker but he promised me he would quit if I came to church. I told Ben “you promised me Ben, I gave up a life of sin for you so you can give up this”. I love Ben so much and was so thankful for him that I couldn’t stand to see him kill himself that way.
Disregarding my efforts to talk him out of his sweet surrender he decided to light one up. At that very moment I walked away in anger, furious at my brother’s selfishness. But within seconds I found myself crying like I did in the days of my withdrawal, lashing out at the evil around me.
I looked up to the sky and said “this is for whoever my brother praises day in and day out, to the one he calls his father, keep my brother safe”.
And after that 3 second prayer I walked back to Ben, his cigarette was gone. Now those of you who do smoke know that a cigarette takes more than 30 secs to smoke, but his was gone, nowhere to be found. I asked him “did you need one so made that you smoked it that fast”. He said with a tear in his eye. .. “no Dane, I took one breathe of it and felt so convicted it made me sick, I threw it in the fire”.
I walked away in disbelief…”did God just do that?”
It finally hit me, I prayed my first True prayer, I KNEW God would care for him because he trusted in him and I did as well. I prayed not for me but for someone I loved. I called out to Ben away from the fire and I said, its time….. We gathered together in a circle I could feel the arms lifting me up. I asked for forgiveness …… I was free.
My depression is gone, I have a new life. Someone to live for and serve. My journey has just begun and only gets better. This past year has been greater than any moments in my life combined. I am now in a praise and worship group. I helped teach the teens and just got married to the love of my life. God sure does bless those who trust in his name.
Thank you for letting me share my story, a lot of tears of joy and sadness were laid out writing this but I have to give glory to God for those tears and giving me my TRUE name. FULFILLED
But those who trust in the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
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