Chances are, you have at least one relationship where conflict currently exists. This is normal and natural. However, the goal is for that conflict to be resolved.

Enter stage right my friend Linda Outka of Breakthrough Solutions. Linda is experienced in this area and agreed to sit down with me and shed a little light on the subject. I trust it will add value to you and help you have a breakthrough solution in one of your relationships that might be stuck.

• How did you find your niche in conflict resolution?

Immediately after college, I traveled with a singing and drama team touring the U.S. and Canada. Nine women, four men in a van for nine months…conflict was inevitable. I learned the importance of talking out disagreements rather than letting them fester. I realized that when two people communicate with openness, honesty and respect, the conflict gets resolved and the relationship grows. 

Since that time, employee relations roles have followed me because I am passionate about helping people work through their interpersonal stress. I believe life it too short and people are too valuable to build walls and shut each other out. We can live better. 

• What is the source of conflict in personal and professional relationships?

When we don’t understand why our co-workers and family members do what they do, we make up stories in our heads. And then we act as if these stories are true. This gets us into trouble because we act on our faulty assumptions. If we slow down, get off autopilot and untangle truth from stories, that’s the beginning of trying to understand the other person’s reality and resolve conflict. 

Let me give you an example. When was the last time you got cut off in traffic? What stories did you make up about the other driver? “That jerk! He knew I was here and he cut in front of me anyway.” Or “That idiot! He thinks he’s the only one on the road!”

On the other hand, think about the last time you accidentally cut someone else off in traffic. Was it because you were distracted or had a lot on your mind? Do you think that other driver gave you the “benefit of the doubt” you deserved?

When we make positive assumptions about people rather than negative ones, we stay in a better mood and have more clarity in our thinking. We can check the accuracy of our stories with curiosity rather than judgment. Simply put…when we assume positive intentions rather than negative intentions, we don’t damage our relationships. 

• What steps can a person take to resolve conflict in their personal and professional life?

If you have a difficult conversation you need to have with someone, I would recommend the following steps: 

• Prepare for the conversation beforehand.
• Untangled fact from stories.
• What are the stories I am telling myself about the other person?
• What are the facts?
• What am I feeling? (State as “I feel…”)
• What could have been their positive intention? (How could a “reasonable” person do what they did?)
• What have I done (or not done) that could have contributed to the problem?
• What questions can I ask that communicate curiosity rather than judgment? (avoiding “why” questions)
• Set up a time to meet face to face with the other person. Start by asking them curious questions. “Jump into their shoes” and listen to understand their perspective. Sometimes the conflict is resolved at this stage because when people truly understand each other’s perspective, the conflict can dissipate. 
• Finally, describe your perspective, referencing facts, not assumptions. Use “I” rather than “you” in your conversation, and carefully avoid blame.

This process seems simple, but I’ve seen it work countless times. The key is creating an  environment of emotional safety, openness and respect.

• What is Breakthrough Solutions?

Breakthrough Solutions is about creating space where people feel safe to be real. Where people find common ground and new perspective when they are in conflict with one another. Where people explore new insights in places they feel stuck and discover breakthrough solutions that open doors to their potential. This can be in the context of a coaching relationship, a team building session, or a workshop.

Linda Outka has been a coach, trainer and speaker in the business world for nearly 20 years and she is certified as a coach, trainer and speaker with the John Maxwell Team. She owns Breakthrough Solutions, which creates space where people feel safe to be real and resolve conflicts in their personal and professional lives. Linda is called to make an eternal impact in both the church and the marketplace setting.

Live in or near Columbus, OH? Let’s do breakfast this Wednesday. Details here or below.

Join TechColumbus for our continuing Business Breakfast Series: The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership: Follow them and people will follow you.

Everything rises and falls on leadership: your team, your job, your kids, your marriage, your charity, and even your community. Leadership can be learned and like most subjects in life – leadership is comprised and governed by laws. Even if you’re ignorant of these laws, you’re not immune from them. They’re affecting you right now.

According to New York Times Best-Selling author John Maxwell, the #1 leadership guru in the world, “the greater the number of laws you learn, the better you will become. Each law is like a tool, ready to be picked up and used to help you achieve your dreams and add value to other people.”

Come join others leaders for a fun and educational breakfast as we learn these laws and discover practical tools and strategies to apply them in our lives immediately.
Continental Breakfast Provided

Thanks to WCBE for sponsoring this event.

Speaker Details:

Kary Oberbrunner earned a Doctorate in Transformational Leadership. He founded Redeem the Day, a movement connecting people to a process that ignites their souls on fire. Author of 4 books on self-leadership, he is a pastor at Grace Church in Powell and a Founding Partner on the John Maxwell Team. Kary has been interviewed on hundreds of TV and radio shows for his perspective on life, personal growth, faith, and leadership. More at www.karyoberbrunner.com

Want it? You got it.

In order to build their business most people make the mistake of putting their attention on building their business.

This will only produce minimal results. 

• The #1 secret for building your business is BUILDING YOURSELF. 

Your business will never outperform your abilities. You are the lid on your business and your results. And in order to raise your lid you need to get better.

Need help on that? Let’s talk.

Don’t be a victim and wait for luck to smile upon you. Take action and the smile will come.

Negative? Not intending to be. I’m just as hopeful as anybody else. I want the New Year to bring surprises, blessings, and inspiration.

But the truth is, I know a secret. I know how you can actually cheat the system. It has nothing to do with dumb luck, chance, or good fortune. Instead, it has everything to do with what you can control…yourself. I’m not saying you can escape trial or pain, God promises us that we’ll have our share. But I am saying you can choose your response ahead of time.

You can live your life by design or by default. It’s your choice.

So here’s 12 reasons to guarantee your 2012 won’t be any different. (My advice? Do the opposite and then sit back and watch what happens):

1. You have self-limiting beliefs: I can’t. I’m not smart enough. I don’t have the money. I’ve failed before. Etc….
2. You can’t make decisions: You believe in “keeping your options.” Little do you know it’s killing you.
3. You don’t know what you want: The truth is that If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never get what you want.
4. You haven’t killed your biggest critic: Quit celebrating the drama inside your head. Instead, be the lead in your own life.
5. You’re not an arsonist: You can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t light others up if you’re not on fire.
6. You don’t want to make your mark: Take action. Get off the bench. Get in the game.
7. You believe you’re lacking what you need: Because you think your impoverished you live in poverty.
8. You fill your life with noise: Pascal said it best, “Distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death.”
9. You’re asking the wrong question: When you ask the wrong question you get the wrong answer. You should not ask, what will it cost you to act? You should ask what will it cost you NOT to act?
10. You choose to be a victim rather than a victor: We are either Victims (we let the world happen to us) or Victors (we happen to the world).
11. You’re too scared to live your dream: Faith or Fear? One of them is pumping through your veins right now.
12. You give God too much credit: We don’t take risks. We blame God. We look to others to tell us what to do.

A man at war with himself is at war with the world.

In the last 24 hours I’ve talked to several people who know the choice they need to make. Surprisingly though, chances are they won’t make that choice.

Why not?

Because of what they believe. Unfortunately, they believe they can’t do it.

But in most situations this is a self-limiting belief and that’s all it is.

Need proof? Consider Roger Bannister, the 25-year-old medical student who cracked track and field’s most notorious barrier: the four-minute mile. According to the History Channel:

For years, so many athletes had tried and failed to run a mile in less than four minutes that people made it out to be a physical impossibility. The world record for a mile was 4 minutes and 1.3 seconds, set by Gunder Hagg of Sweden in 1945. Despite, or perhaps because of, the psychological mystique surrounding the four-minute barrier, several runners in the early 1950s dedicated themselves to being the first to cross into the three-minute zone.

So what happened after Roger broke the record? A large number of his colleagues did the exact same thing. In 1954 Roger broke more than a record. He also broke a belief and his example inspired every other runner to consider doing the same thing.

My question for you is:

• What is your self-limiting belief?
• What is the choice you need to make?
• What would happen if you broke through the belief holding you back?
• What would your example inspire in those who look up to you?

I was 23 in 1999, the year I became a Senior/Solo pastor at Tiosa Brethren Church.

I didn’t know much. But they were patient and kind and generous.

They gave me the gift of belief. And for that I am forever grateful.

Today I joined over 150 people as we closed that church forever.

In some ways, it’s sad to close a church.

The day brought with it hugs, tears, stories, memories, laughs, and pain.

But a church is much more than a building.

The Holy Spirit doesn’t leave us when we leave the building.

Who are you giving the gift of belief to, even though they might not be ready?

Even though they may not deserve it yet?

Someone took a chance on you.

Return the favor today.

A leader is a dealer in hope. -Napoleon Bonaparte

A good leader helps us see beyond ourselves and our current circumstances.

A good leader answers YES to the 3 questions every good follower is asking:

1. Do you care for me?
2. Can I trust you?
3. Can you help me?

A good leader puts others before themselves.

A good leader relates to others not for who they are, but for who they have the potential to become.

Are you a good leader?

Are you a hope dealer?

What do you want?

Do you know what you really want?

Are you living your life by default or by design?

Many people like to dream because it’s free. But these dreams are only day dreams.

Few people ever achieve their dreams because few people are willing to pay the cost.

Consider this:

When is the last time you’ve invested in your dream? If you don’t believe in it, why should other people?

We’ve created a few opportunities to help you achieve your dream. These tracks are customized, personal, and tailored for your unique situation. (Some are free. Some are for groups and inexpensive. Some are for individuals, one-on-one with me, and priced very fair for today’s market.)

Bottom line = By investing in these opportunities you’re investing in your own transformation. Are you ready for a change?

• OPUS Coaching Track = Think GPS for your dreams. Personal Coaching sessions with me. A strategic alliance for your success. (Limited Spots – Online / In person)
• Author Coaching Track = I have experience. I’m committed to help potential authors get published. Personal Coaching. (Limited Spots – Online/In person)
• Put Your Dream to the Test = (Seminar in Dublin, OH.)
• Your Secret Name Certification Program - Independent Speaker / Trainer  = We’re looking for a few talented people to become part of our team. (Limited Spots) (Online/ In person)
• Your Secret Name Participant Track = Our conferences are life-changing. (Powell, OH)
• Lunch-and Learns = I visit your business or your organization and provide a 1/2 hour leadership  lesson over lunch.
• Your Secret Name Trainer Track = Bonus sessions. We invest in you because you invest in the YSN message. (Powell, OH)
• 7 Week Leadership Mastermind Group = Every Wed. night from 9-10 PM ET (9/28-11/9) * 7 hours of Leadership Development via our calls *21 Laws Study Guide (PDF) *Special Closed Facebook Group for additional networking, training, and free resources *Tools, exercises, and best practices to be more, do more, and reach more *Dedicated Q and A time to talk through the pressing issues you are facing in your context. *Plus other fun surprises! (Online)
• Resources = To help you get better.

These opportunities will fill up fast. Many people want transformation.  Do you?

Email for more information (info “at” karyoberbrunner.com) We’d love to chat.

ctim or Victor?

It’s how we see ourselves and how we see the world.

It gives off a vibration to those around us.

It’s why we attract other people or why we repel them.

It’s why some of us are stuck and why some of us are sailing.

What do I mean?

• We are either Victims (we let the world happen to us) or Victors (we happen to the world).

Some of us are waiting for “the call.”

Some of us are waiting for “our lucky break.”

Others of us are jumping and building our wings on the way.

Others of us are taking responsibility for our lives and taking risks.

Victim or Victor?

• Who you choose to be is who you will become.