Chances are, you have at least one relationship where conflict currently exists. This is normal and natural. However, the goal is for that conflict to be resolved.

Enter stage right my friend Linda Outka of Breakthrough Solutions. Linda is experienced in this area and agreed to sit down with me and shed a little light on the subject. I trust it will add value to you and help you have a breakthrough solution in one of your relationships that might be stuck.

• How did you find your niche in conflict resolution?

Immediately after college, I traveled with a singing and drama team touring the U.S. and Canada. Nine women, four men in a van for nine months…conflict was inevitable. I learned the importance of talking out disagreements rather than letting them fester. I realized that when two people communicate with openness, honesty and respect, the conflict gets resolved and the relationship grows. 

Since that time, employee relations roles have followed me because I am passionate about helping people work through their interpersonal stress. I believe life it too short and people are too valuable to build walls and shut each other out. We can live better. 

• What is the source of conflict in personal and professional relationships?

When we don’t understand why our co-workers and family members do what they do, we make up stories in our heads. And then we act as if these stories are true. This gets us into trouble because we act on our faulty assumptions. If we slow down, get off autopilot and untangle truth from stories, that’s the beginning of trying to understand the other person’s reality and resolve conflict. 

Let me give you an example. When was the last time you got cut off in traffic? What stories did you make up about the other driver? “That jerk! He knew I was here and he cut in front of me anyway.” Or “That idiot! He thinks he’s the only one on the road!”

On the other hand, think about the last time you accidentally cut someone else off in traffic. Was it because you were distracted or had a lot on your mind? Do you think that other driver gave you the “benefit of the doubt” you deserved?

When we make positive assumptions about people rather than negative ones, we stay in a better mood and have more clarity in our thinking. We can check the accuracy of our stories with curiosity rather than judgment. Simply put…when we assume positive intentions rather than negative intentions, we don’t damage our relationships. 

• What steps can a person take to resolve conflict in their personal and professional life?

If you have a difficult conversation you need to have with someone, I would recommend the following steps: 

• Prepare for the conversation beforehand.
• Untangled fact from stories.
• What are the stories I am telling myself about the other person?
• What are the facts?
• What am I feeling? (State as “I feel…”)
• What could have been their positive intention? (How could a “reasonable” person do what they did?)
• What have I done (or not done) that could have contributed to the problem?
• What questions can I ask that communicate curiosity rather than judgment? (avoiding “why” questions)
• Set up a time to meet face to face with the other person. Start by asking them curious questions. “Jump into their shoes” and listen to understand their perspective. Sometimes the conflict is resolved at this stage because when people truly understand each other’s perspective, the conflict can dissipate. 
• Finally, describe your perspective, referencing facts, not assumptions. Use “I” rather than “you” in your conversation, and carefully avoid blame.

This process seems simple, but I’ve seen it work countless times. The key is creating an  environment of emotional safety, openness and respect.

• What is Breakthrough Solutions?

Breakthrough Solutions is about creating space where people feel safe to be real. Where people find common ground and new perspective when they are in conflict with one another. Where people explore new insights in places they feel stuck and discover breakthrough solutions that open doors to their potential. This can be in the context of a coaching relationship, a team building session, or a workshop.

Linda Outka has been a coach, trainer and speaker in the business world for nearly 20 years and she is certified as a coach, trainer and speaker with the John Maxwell Team. She owns Breakthrough Solutions, which creates space where people feel safe to be real and resolve conflicts in their personal and professional lives. Linda is called to make an eternal impact in both the church and the marketplace setting.

They asked if I could do a last minute interview Your Secret Name on Friday July 16 from 3:10 – 4:00 PM EST

I thought about the 3D Target Audience.

I thought about God’s promise:

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes….I will give a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. Revelation 2:17

Of course, I agreed to share the message.

Now I ask something of you:

• Please pray for this interview tomorrow.
• Please pray that listeners will discover the freedom that Jesus offers.
• Please pray for the 4% of the population that self-injures.
• Please pray for the Disillusioned, the Disengaged, the Dechurched.
• Please forward this post on to someone who needs some encouragement, hope, faith, and love.

Click this link…

…to listen to the Moody Radio Interview. Hope you can tune in.

What are you attempting to do in your life right now that unless God steps in you will fail?

I heard this Henry Blackaby quote back when I was a teen-ager and my response to it changed my life.

So…how would you answer this question? 

A friend of mine, Jeremy Clay, recently joined God in a big step of faith. Here is my interview with him:

• How did you get from there to here?

Growing up, I would classify my family as a church going family – we didn’t talk about faith or Jesus outside of church.  In middle school, I became an atheist after hearing convincing arguments from my younger brother, who, despite being so young, was and still is brilliant and now attends Cornell University.  Anyways, I didn’t pray to receive Christ into my life until I went to a summer weeklong camp after I graduated high school.  It was there that I heard the Gospel in its entirety for the first time. However, I really didn’t know what it meant to be a Christian, so I continued living in all my sin patterns but claimed to be a Christian. 

After my 1st semester of freshman year at college, I got into a fraternity where I met a senior brother who led our house’s Bible study.  We became close friends after pledging and continued hanging out throughout my sophomore year (he came back for grad school).  It was sophomore year that he suggested I spend my summer on a mission trip with Campus Crusade for Christ (a college Christian organization).  Despite my reluctance, I agreed to give it a try.  I met people who knew what it meant to live out the Christian life.  It was there that I dedicated my life to the Lord on my 21st birthday, June 19.

• What’s one recent decision you’ve made where it required huge faith?

I’m actually giving a year of my life to the Lord, putting my finance degree on hold, and interning with Campus Crusade where I will be meeting with 8-10 college Greek men on a weekly basis for mentorship/discipleship and leading them in a weekly Bible study.  I will also have the opportunity to share my faith, both, with the brothers of the men I meet with and other college students on the campus.  I will also have the privilege to help these men grow closer to Christ.

• What’s next in your immediate future?

As of right now, I’m in the process of finding people who want to partner with me prayerfully and financially.  I’m extending invitations to people to join my team in reaching students on Miami’s campus for Christ, especially the Greek system, which can be a really dark place.

• What would like to tell other 20/30 somethings who are stuck?

My favorite verse and the one I continually refer back to over and over again any time I find myself in a position where I’m looking to take a step of faith but am too afraid is Joshua 1:9.  God is speaking to Joshua (and I imagine that He is speaking to me when I read this) saying, “Have I not commanded you?  Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS!  Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO.”

My senior year at Miami consisted of living in a fraternity house, leading a Christian movement for Greek students wanting to learn more about having a relationship with Christ, and trying to continue to live a life pleasing to the Lord without losing touch with my fraternity brothers (basically living in the world but not living for the world), I really had to recite this verse over and over to myself to persevere and stand against all the distractions and lies that come with this kind of living and environment.  This verse always gave me the courage and strength I needed to do just that.

My recommendation to anyone who feels stuck is to get plugged into a church if you’re not already.  Get involved in a small group.  Commit to it, and ask questions.  Surround yourself with brothers and sisters in Christ who will encourage you and pray for you.

If you’re at this point but still feel stuck, then I would definitely spend some time in prayer.  There are opportunities all around us to take steps of faith, but we need to ask God in which ones can He most effectively use our gifts, talents and resources.  There are several ways to give with our money, but not everyone has the money available to them to give liberally, especially in times like these (however, this could be the exact time to give just a little more than you’re comfortable giving and trust that God won’t let you fail.  Despite my position, I continue to write checks to support students to participate in summer mission trips with Campus Crusade).  But we can still offer our time and ourselves. 

Choosing to love others who appear to be unlovable (i.e. the homeless, those with special needs, the old, orphans, etc.) can be a really great way to step out in faith and sacrifice ourselves as Christ has commanded us when He says “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, pick up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).  Inviting these people to come have a meal with you, to spend a night or two with you every week, or leaving your home and visiting these people are all great ways in which you can take steps that you would otherwise fail in if God were not in it with you giving you the patience and love necessary to show love toward these people.

If you’re feeling led, I know of people who have even adopted children from foreign countries who wouldn’t have lasted long in this world because their situations and chances for survival were so horrible.  Adopting a child who didn’t have a shot in life would definitely require action from God.

If you’re reading this and want to contact me:

My facebook profile can be found at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=7725555.  If you want to add me as a friend, include a message saying you saw me on Kary Oberbrunner’s blog.

If you share my vision for reaching college students and would like to learn more about my ministry, I would really love to talk to you personally.  You can e-mail me (Jeremy.Clay “at” uscm.org)  Just say you heard about me on Kary Oberbrunner’s blog.  Please include an address and phone number I can reach you at so we can get in touch.

If you’re feeling led by the Lord, you can also visit my gift page at https://give.ccci.org/give/View/0628440.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be participating in a free teleseminar regarding Your Secret Name. My interviewer, Eric Michael Bryant, is a friend and ministry guru.

Eric Michael Bryant serves as an elder, speaker, and navigator with the leadership team at Mosaic in Los Angeles, a church known for its creativity and diversity. His exciting new book, Not Like Me, releases in July with Zondervan. Here is a post from his blog:

Teleseminar with Kary Oberbrunner (May 20th)!

Our next LIVE, free teleseminar will be on Thursday, May 20th at 1:00pm Pacific Time(4:00pm Eastern) with Kary Oberbrunner.

Sign Up Here!

Kary founded Redeem the Day, a movement connecting people to a process that ignites their souls on fire and has written Your Secret Name, The Fine Line, Called, and The Journey toward Relevance. Besides life coaching, he serves as a pastor at Grace Church in Ohio.

Listen to previous teleseminars here.

More About Eric Michael Bryant: 

Starting as a volunteer in the parking lot at Mosaic, Eric later worked with students and then helped catalyze new venues across Los Angeles. Eric serves as part of the core teams for the Mosaic Alliance and The Origins Project, a movement of people committed to Jesus, Humanity, and Innovation.

Eric has taught at the Southern California campuses of Golden Gate Seminary and Fuller Seminaryand earned his Doctorate of Ministry in Entrepreneurial Leadership with Bethel Seminary.  Eric is one of the co-authors of The Uprising Experience, a workbook developed for Promise Keepers based on Erwin McManus’ book Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, and has written several articles for Group and Relevant Leader magazines. His book, Peppermint-Filled Piñatas: Breaking Through Tolerance and Embracing Love, is a guide for overcoming the negative Christian stereotype by embracing the people Christians “love to hate.”

Eric lives with his wife, Debbie, and two children, Caleb and Trevi in the middle of Los Angeles County.

Eric’s Links:
Mosaic.org
FaceBook
Twitter
MySpace

Listen here.

We’ll be chatting about The Fine Line.

I might try to sneak in a little bit about Your Secret Name.

Look for the next Teaser Tuesday coming soon.

Because I normally wouldn’t  pick up this book.

And that’s exactly the problem.

Because WE NEED to hear these forgotten voices that have been so critical to shaping the Faith.

Much of the Church has been conditioned NOT to tune into the rich legacy unveiled in this new BMH book.

Join me for a special interview with the author of  Sacred Friendships,Dr. Robert Kellemen (co-author pictured below, Susan Ellis):

• Tell us a little bit about yourself. (How did you get from there to here.)

I’ve been married for twenty-eight years to my college sweetheart, Shirley. Shirley and I have two young adult children. Josh is twenty-four and married to Andi, and is in law school in Washington State. Marie is twenty-one and is a college senior at Purdue, majoring in chemistry, and lives at home with us in Crown Point, Indiana.

I graduated with my BA in Pastoral Ministry from Baptist Bible College in Clarks Summit, PA. I earned my Th.M. in Theology and Biblical Counseling from Grace Seminary in Winona Lake, IN. I have my Ph.D. in Counselor Education from Kent State University. I’m also a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC).

I pastored three churches in Ohio and Maryland. In two of those churches I was an Associate Pastor focused on counseling and equipping. I also have served as a Sr. Pastor.

For over a dozen years I was Chairman of the Master of Arts in Christian Counseling and Discipleship Department at Capital Bible Seminary. I am now the Professor-at-Large for that program.

I’m also the Director of the Biblical Counseling and Spiritual Formation Network (BCSFN) for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC). Our vision is to equip people to use God’s Word to help God’s people to grow in Christlikeness.

In my role as Founder and CEO of RPM Ministries (www.rpmminstries.org) I write, speak, and consult about Christ-centered, comprehensive, compassionate, and culturally-informed biblical counseling and spiritual formation.

In all my spare time, I coach high school wrestling, play in a men’s softball league, run daily, love sci-fi, and am a life-long die-hard Chicago Cubs fan. 

• What’s the “big idea” behind Sacred Friendships? What would you like readers to take away from it?

Far too often we build our models of ministry by ignoring over half the Christian world—women. The big idea of Sacred Friendships is to give voice to the voiceless by celebrating the legacy of Christian women and by applying that legacy to our ministries today.

We want readers, men and women, to learn from godly women of the faith how to be powerful spiritual friends. Readers will be enriched by the powerful stories of the heroic sisters of the Spirit to apply proven ways to help people find healing hope in the midst of deep pain. They’ll be empowered to help people to find God’s grace for their sins and God’s strength for their journey. 

• What motivated you to write Sacred Friendships? Why did you choose to write this book?

I’ve always been passionate about giving voice to the voiceless. When I started teaching about the history of Christian soul care, men and women would say, “I had never even heard of most of these women. Yet their lives are remarkable. Their stories teach me how to live and how to minister today.” Then these same students would say, “You have to get these amazing narratives out there so everyone can learn from them!”

So, we wrote Sacred Friendships to unbury the buried treasure of the riches of the history of women’s ministry. We wrote it to give the world the gift of the life stories of over fifty women of the faith.

G. K. Chesterton observes that history is democracy extended through time. History gives votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. It refuses to submit to those who merely happen to be walking around. Sacred Friendships gives vote and voice to our female forebears in the faith. It listens to their voices communicating the unique shapes and textures of their practice of soul care and spiritual direction.

• With all that’s going on in the world, why this book now? What’s unique about Sacred Friendships?

There are a few scattered books out there on the history of women in the church. There are a few books out there on women counseling women. Sacred Friendships is not just a history book. It’s not just a counseling/spiritual friendship book. Frankly, there’s not another book out there that applies the history of the legacy of godly women to life and ministry today.

Sacred Friendships is especially vital in our world today. We are so disconnected from one another. We sit by our computers . . . alone. We send quick text messages . . . without any depth.

People are hungry for profound relationships, for meaningful connections. But they have few examples showing how to connect to others in practical ways. Sacred Friendships provides over 50 concrete models that teach us how to be real and raw, how to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth, how to be a . . . sacred friend.

• Who should read Sacred Friendships?

I love this question. First, anyone who loves riveting stories of victory snatched from the jaws of defeat should read Sacred Friendships. Susan and I like to think of our roles as “story-tellers”—we share stories from the lives of over 50 remarkable Christian women. If you like a good, true story, read Sacred Friendships.

Second, people might assume that Sacred Friendships is a book only for women. Not true. Susan and I like to say that Sacred Friendships is a gift to women and a gift from women.

As a gift to women, Sacred Friendships puts to rest the lie of Satan that women in church history have been second-class spiritual citizens! Just one example: the famous Church Fathers were mentored by the lesser-known but incredibly gifted Church Mothers. Sacred Friendships encourages and empowers women to realize that as bearers of God’s image they have equal worth, dignity, value, and giftedness as men have. Women young and mature need the message told by these stories—because the world surely is not the place to turn for validation of worth in Christ. 

As a gift from women, Sacred Friendships is for men and women—it’s for anyone who learns best by example. Men and women can read Sacred Friendships and glean life-changing skills to empathize with hurting people, to encouraging people with Christ’s sure hope, to exhort people by speaking the truth in love, and to equip people to tap into Christ’s resurrection power.

• How can people get in touch with you and how can they learn more about your ministry and about Sacred Friendships?

 I can be contacted by email at: rpm.ministries@gmail.com 

 A free sample chapter of Sacred Friendships is available at: http://bit.ly/1S1haj

To learn more about RPM Ministries, please visit: www.rpmministries.org

Sacred Friendships is on sale at 40% off for $12.99 at: http://bit.ly/MG1l5

In your discussion of the “Separatist” camp, you focus on the tendency to add extra-biblical rules to the commandments of Scripture. What kind of these rules do you see frequently? 

…and many more, including which TV game show I wish I could be on.

Plus win a free copy of The Fine Line.  All right here.

1. What’s the Big Idea behind Killing Cockroaches?

Back when I was a city manager, I heard a woman scream from the other side of the building. A few minutes later, she showed up in my office. She found a cockroach. For some reason, she thought this was a job for the “CEO” at city hall. I don’t know what possessed me, but I walked to the other side of the building and proceeded to kill the cockroach, with my my fancy, wingtip shoes.

Since then, there are days that I come home and I have that mopey or frustrated look on my face. My wife started to ask me, “Did you have to kill cockroaches today?” For us, it’s become a description of those days when I find myself responding to the urgent things in life rather than the focusing my time and energy on the responsibilities that have the biggest leadership impact.

2. Why the RV tour?

Well, the tour gives me an excuse to build a three-week vacation with my family around stops to talk with church leaders. I’d love to tell you the trip is more about equipping church leaders. Honestly, though, it’s more about the experience with my family. We have four kids ages 14, 11, 8 and 4. We probably aren’t going to have too many more opportunities like this where we can travel for three weeks and see parts of the country we’ve never visited before.

3. What will attendees walk away with?

We’re going to cover two critical topics. The first will be building teams and empowering leaders. Since churches live and die based on the capacity of their volunteers, this is always a challenging dialogue. The second topic is about helping churches find their focus. I’d love to help leaders understand why it’s so critical that they clarify their outreach, discipleship and communications strategy. Oh, and don’t worry, there is plenty of time built into the tour stops for Q&A.

4. What’s the next step for you “post” NewSpring Church?

Well, my family and I are still engaged at NewSpring Church, so it doesn’t really feel like it’s a “post” situation yet. Though we’re waiting for God to reveal our next assignment, I’m pretty confident it’s going to involve serving leaders and churches across the country and helping to spread great stories. That’s the stuff that energizes me and where I find the most fulfillment.

5. Will any cockroaches be accompanying you on the tour (for the sake of props or snacks)?

Though there aren’t any immediate plans to have cockroaches on the tour, it wouldn’t surprise me if we have a few try to hitchhike in our vehicle. The cockroaches down here in South Carolina are huge. In fact, we may ditch the RV and just saddle up a few cockroaches instead. They’re big…and they’re also fast.

More about Tony, the tour, or the book.

Episode 35 - Denver Interview

Commentary on the finer points of The Fine Line.

Download MP3 

My friend Brett Ullman, Director of Worlds Apart and internationally acclaimed speaker to youth, isn’t afraid to broach subjects that might not be welcomed by some.  

Brett Ullman speaks with courage and conviction on sensitive, current issues affecting youth including self-injury, suicide, substance abuse, sexuality, music and faith in our modern age.

I wanted you  to get a taste of Brett’s courageous style to be God’s man…no matter what other people think (a lesson that I need to be constantly reminded of).

Keep reading in order to learn more about Brett Ullman and Worlds Apart. Here’s the interview:

1. How did you get from there to here? I was a teacher in Toronto for 10 years while I was beginning my speaking career.  As a teacher, I was moved by the pressures that my students were under and wanted to make a difference in students lives on a broader scale. The requests for me to come speak grew to the point that a full-time commitment from me was needed.  I left teaching 3 years ago and love having the chance to speak to students across North America.
2. Please identify one of your leadership weaknesses that’s been exposed while in ministry? I think one of my many weaknesses has been Vision Bleeding. Andy Stanley wrote an amazing book called Visioning which is the first time I ever read the term vision bleeding and realized that it is something I struggle with. If I begin with 100% of my work day to work on the calling that God has given me I can do a lot of working towards those goal. The problem is that people then ask us to become part of something that is not part of the vision or calling we have. These things are probably good things but things that have to “bleed” or decrease your time you can put into your original vision. I am often asked to write weekly or monthly articles for youth magazines. I appreciate the opportunity but if I have to take 2-3 hours a week out of my work day to write those articles it means that I have less time to work on other things. This balance is one area that I have struggled in but am getting better at.  I have to really pick and choose what things I will do in a given week to make sure I get done the big things in my own ministry.
3. How have you closed that leadership gap? Coming from a background of teaching I had many skills that transferred over to my speaking but many areas did not. When I was younger I did not enjoy reading. I have since learned how important reading is.  I have been reading anything I can get my hands on dealing for leadership for the last few years. I presently just finished a 2 year leadership program called the Arrow Leadership Program (www.arrowleadership.org) which as been a great help to me and I plan on starting my Masters in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton in the Fall.
4. I applaud your vision for World’s Apart. What is your “God size” vision for it? Good question. I want to help people connect their ancient faith with their modern world. To break that down, I have created a media.culture.faith talk, a response to self injury talk and a dating talk and I am presently putting together a talk specifically to challenge men. My vision is for World’s Apart to be used as a catalyze to lead people to a deeper faith in Jesus and as a result to impact their world as He would like.
5. Give us the Big Idea (3-4 sentences) behind your breakthrough resource Your Story: The Wounding Embrace and why you made it?  My main talk is called Media.Faith.Culture and is a look at how to connect all of those things. About 5 years ago I added in one slide on Self-Injury (cutting, suicide etc) and the response was overwhelming. I began to receive hundreds of emails from students talking about their struggles. I had been reading Bill Hybels book “Holy Discontent” where he says if you have something you cannot stand then “feed” that discontent. So I did. I went to Amazon and bought every book I could find on Self Injury (about 30 books) From those readings and my conversations with about 500-1000 people who struggle with Self-Injury this talk grew. It is meant to be a practical look at this issue as well as a discussion about what to do if we or someone we love is struggling with Self Injury.

If you self-injure or know someone who struggles with this  I encourage you to click here for more information on how to work through the pain and enter into healing.